The emotions.
The carb counting.
The insulin dosing.
The finger sticks.
The fears.
The knowledge.
The lack of knowledge.
Everything was hard. My emotions were raw. I was worried ALL the time. I was scared. The girls were scared. It seemed like life as we knew it was over.
In many ways that was true. Our lives did forever change when we heard the words "you'r daughter/s have Type 1 Diabetes." So many things will never be the same. They will live with this diagnosis for the rest of their lives. They will be poked and stabbed DAILY, multiple times a day, just. to. survive.
Yet.... despite that.... despite the hard adjustments, life is getting back to a 'new' normal.
Figuring out carbs isn't so stressful. Calculating insulin dosages based on blood glucose levels and carb intake has become second nature. Worrying has lessened - a little - thanks to the Dexcoms on the girls' arms giving us blood glucose reading all throughout the day. We can monitor the trends in their numbers and make adjustments as necessary. The fear of a deadly low - although still a very real possibility - is less frightening because we can see them coming on with the Dex and make corrections as needed.
I finally emerged from my 'fog of grief' as I like to call it. With so much hitting at once, I did recoil. I cried - a lot. I slept - a lot. I did the bare minimum to get by, but other than that, I. was. in. a. fog.
The girls' diagnoses; my mom's hospitalization; Selah's Hashimoto's diagnosis; my mom getting worse and passing away; then Selah's positive diagnosis of Cealiac -- it seemed more than my mind could handle.
By the time the diagnosis of Celiac was confirmed, I was already beginning to come out of my fog. I was ready to hear those words. It was and still is hard to accept. So many more changes. But.... I was in a better place. The emotions of the previous 5 months had been smoothed over a bit. They weren't so ragged; torn; wide open. The wounds were beginning to heal.
We have started yet another journey. Now we are traveling the roads of T1D AND that of Celiac. They are bumpy, curvy, hilly, pot-hole-filled roads at times. Nothing seems to make sense day to day on these roads. The curve you thought was ahead is now straight, yet the hill you thought you just crested now looms ahead larger than ever. The pot holes seem to come out of nowhere. But... you keep rumbling on. You have to. There's no going backwards. You can't turn around and go back to your starting destination. Plus, some days, these roads are lined with beautiful meadows of flowers and a smooth surface. Some days the skies are blue and beautiful. So, you drive forward. Always striving for THOSE portions of the highway.
This IS our new normal and... it's ok. Is it hard? You bet. Does it take a lot of work and effort? More than you can imagine. But, it's also very necessary in order to keep our girls healthy and alive. So.... we push on. We learn new things. We make adjustments. We persevere. THEY persevere.
I did a series of posts on "What was lost?" with the onset of Type 1 Diabetes in our girls. Today's post is a catalyst of "What's been gained?"
Although we are still fairly early in this journey, I can already see some positives. When we first heard the words, "Type 1 Diabetes", I wasn't sure I'd EVER see positives from this horrible disease. My grief was too deep, too raw. In reading posts from other parents, some did have 'gains' they shared. I was happy to see those, but couldn't feel them... yet. Couldn't even IMAGINE them. I know I have a long way to go to see as many positives as were shared by others, but... I can at least see and even feel SOME already.
Join me in the coming posts to hear what we've learned over the last several months that has caused my attitude to change. Much of it is time, as time does heal, but some of it is perspective and growth as well.
Come along on our journey.
It's gonna last a lifetime.
Until a cure is found.
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