Emotional Pitfall

The last two nights have been rough.

Getting up in the middle of the night to check blood sugars (then having another kiddo get sick resulting in ANOTHER middle of the night awakening one night) has made for an exhausted mama.

Last night I was actually an hour and a half late checking her sugar b/c I fell back to sleep after the alarm went off.  I bumped into the table as I tried to stumble out of the room. Techno asked if I was ok and I snapped a short retort back at him.  As if it's HIS fault I'm groggy and faltering around.  (It's not, he's just an easy target right now for my volatile emotions.)

Fortunately, her blood glucose levels were a bit better than some other nights - 286 or so.  Still high, but WAY better than the high 400's which is where it's been many nights so far.

I tucked her back in bed and made my way back to our room.

Crawling under the covers, I just felt spent.

I tossed and turned a bit before falling back into my state of slumber.

Techno's alarm went off and I barely moved.  Several minutes later, it went off again.

Awake, I asked if everything was ok as he began to get out of bed and get ready for work.

I didn't want to get up.

I was tired.  

My neck was stiff.  

My body felt like it had been hit by a Mack truck.  

My brain was groggy.  

My emotions were raw.

I did, however, get up.

Making my way to the kitchen I started a pot of coffee.

Much to my surprise, I also started crying.

No apparent reason.

Tears. just. started. to. fall.

Moments later Charity and Selah emerged. I almost ran poor Selah over as I didn't see or hear her walk up beside me in the kitchen. I simply assumed she was sitting with Charity by the furnace -- their traditional morning resting place when they first wake up.

Since she was up and I just needed to wait for the coffee, we went ahead and checked her blood sugar.

Then, we had to decide on WHAT she was going to eat for breakfast.

Trinity and Bethany had made cakes for cake decorating class and had asked if everyone could have a piece for breakfast.

Of course that meant Selah would want a piece.

The calculating and checking began.

A piece of cake with buttercream frosting has A LOT of carbs in it.

We figured out what a smallish piece would have and Techno and I decided a 'middle' piece with less frosting would be best.

Of course, Selah WANTED an end piece with all the fancy piping on it and I had to tell her no.

She cried.

I cried.

Emotional pitfall for both of us.  All over a piece of cake.

This IS our new life. Decisions had to be made that are in her best interest.  It was still hard.

My morning continued like this.

Crying -- A LOT and OFTEN -- for no apparent reason other than the emotional pitfall I seem to be enveloped in right now.

Getting back to our lessons and school work helped a lot.  Kept our minds focused on something OTHER than diabetes.

Then lunch.

WOA!

It was a simple enough meal.

Tuna salad; crackers; mango; and cucumber slices with a cream cheese filling piped on top.

Then. It. Hit. Me!!!

I have to figure out all the carbs for this meal.  Humph.

The pickle relish in the tuna salad along with the little bit of carbs from the cheese.  The cream cheese filling for the cucumbers. The mango.  The crackers.  Then figure out how many carbs PER SERVING for the tuna and the cucumber filling.

My sink was overflowing with dishes b/c I had to weigh the total amount, then figure out how many carbs in the whole thing, then divide out how much Selah would eat and how many carbs were in 'her portion'.

Phew!  My. Brain. Hurt!

Not to mention, what would normally take 15 minutes to prepare, now took closer to 45.  Sigh.

Of course, once THAT was done, it was time to check her blood sugar and determine her insulin dose.

THEN --- lunchtime.  She ate.  She didn't like the cucumbers so there's 1 carb not ingested. She didn't eat all the tuna salad -- there's a portion of another carb not ingested. THEN -- she wanted MORE crackers. That's too many carbs not dosed for.

When I told her no to more crackers....... she cried.      Again.

I cried.       Again.

This was all before 1PM in the afternoon and I. felt. wiped.  Was it bedtime yet? Could I just hibernate in my bed, under the covers for a few days?  Could I hide? Disappear?  Pretend this wasn't real?

No.

It is real.

It is our life.

It is hard.

I continued to cry.  Most of the day.

I did hide in my room and take a nap.

Hoping the sleep would help my perspective.

I did continue to do what needed to be done.

Checking sugars.  Counting carbs.  Administering insulin.

Even if sometimes it was through tears.

It really does get easier

The emotions continue to bounce, but the 'process' is getting easier.

Following the complete meltdown after my 'faux pa' of giving Selah an empty shot and having to give her a second shot due to my shortcoming, the morning started off smoothly with NO tears from our precious little girl throughout her shot for breakfast.

Odd as it may seem... that did my mama's heart a world of good.

It made this emotional roller coaster stabilize a bit.

It.    really.    will.    get.    easier.

In some ways, that knowledge makes my heart hurt too -- the fact our little girl 'will get used to' shots and pokes.  That this new way of life will become second nature, old hat.  It makes a parent's heart heavy, sad.  Yet, light and relieved.

Such weird emotions.

The remainder of the day went quite well.

It's a bit stressful to calculate carbs for EVERY thing she MAY want to eat.  We have to 'predict' just how much she'll eat, anticipate if she'll want seconds, determine if she should have a 'treat' after her meal or not.  All BEFORE she actually eats so we can administer the correct amount of insulin.  Anyone with a 6 year old child know just how unpredictable their eating habits can be from meal to meal or even within a meal.  Too much insulin and her sugar will bottom out.  Too little and her sugar levels will soar again.

No pressure.

It takes time.  It takes brain work. It takes some intuition of what she's likely to eat or not eat.  It takes patience.  It takes trust.  It takes faith.

Not all of these things are necessarily my strengths.  It's wonderful to have Techno to traverse these waters with together -- we are a good team.  A good system of checks and balances for one another.

The day progressed with limited 'issues' regarding her new diagnosis.  Lots of sugar checks. Lots of calculating proper doses for the carbs she would eat and the correction factor for high sugars.  But... it was better.  It was easier.

We really are getting into a routine.  Even this soon in the game.

For the second night in a row, we woke her at 1 am to check for middle of the night sugar levels just to be sure she's not too high or too low.

It many ways, I correlate this new experience to having a newborn in the house again.  Lots to learn, new experiences, little sleep, lots of worry, new schedules and routines, lots of joys as new milestones are met.  Crazy.

It's been amazing to see the color fully filling her face again.  She's eating full meals again.  We hadn't even realized just how little she was eating before.  Part of the difficulty of this coming on right around the time of her last illness.

All in all, she's returning to her old self again.  What a huge blessing.  We're helping her body heal.

The Roller Coaster continues

After Selah's diagnosis - the hospital originally decided to admit her to be sure we kept her blood sugars lowered but not too low.

Minutes after Techno left (he had decided to drive home and sleep so he could work the next morning until time to pick us up from the hospital), the ER doctor returned to inform me that the hospital pediatrician would rather us go to Denver Children's Hospital and be admitted.  The local hospital wasn't quite equipped to deal with a pediatric diabetic.

Frantically, I called Techno to return -- hoping to catch him before he got too far out of town.  A not-so perk of living 30+ miles from the hospital.  Once he arrived, we began discussing arrangements to get us to Denver Children's.  Not long after, the ER doctor conveyed that the endocrinology doc at Children's felt there was no need for us to be admitted, but to come to the diabetic center first thing in the morning for training and a treatment plan with a diabetic team.  (We're certain the reasoning was our own knowledge of diabetes from Techno being a diabetic and the fact Selah was caught early. She had not gone into diabetic ketoacidosis.)  Blessings for sure.

Finally discharged, we headed to Techno's sister's house for a short hour or so of sleep before needing to awaken for our long drive to Denver.

Arriving right on time, we parked and registered.

Immediately we were taken to a check in room where Selah's sugars were tested and insulin was administered.

Next we were escorted to a room where we'd meet her endocrinologist, a nurse, a dietician, and a social worker -- our diabetic team -- that will be guiding us through this journey of managing Selah's diabetes during her childhood years.

They were all wonderful.

They acknowledged that we had 'better than average knowledge' compared to most parents of 'newly diagnosed children with diabetes'.  However, they wanted to be sure we were all on the same page with the 'new ways' of treating diabetes versus some of what Techno had been taught as a Type 1 diabetic when he was first diagnosed 30+ years ago.  They also understood that it's a bit different to treat your CHILD vs yourself or spouse.  Therefore, we got all the basic information, but we moved along at a faster pace than the typical family just getting this devastating news.

They taught ME - especially - how to check sugars (doing a finger stick, being sure to get the blood properly 'loaded' on the test strip, etc.) and how to administer her insulin pen shots.  They had me administer a small unit of saline to Techno-Genius to see 'how it feels' to put a needle through someone's skin.

I will say, even having done this 'trial run' with Techo, giving Selah her first 'shot' of insulin was quite heart wrenching.  She had been given several shots, an IV, and numerous finger sticks by nursing staff up to this point (all of which were painful and scary), but... she cried SO HARD when I had to give her the shot, it made my heart break.

Tears flooded my own eyes as I held her after the fact.  Emotions.  Fear.  Sadness.

After a VERY long day -- arriving at 7:45am, leaving at 3:15pm -- we headed out to purchase Selah a 'special bag' to carry all her diabetic supplies.

Part of our 'training' included receiving a lot of supplies and materials we'll need to manage and understand her care.  Books.  Pamphlets.  Insulin and pen.  A blood glucose monitor.  Test strips.  Ketone strips.  They also gave her a bracelet to identify that she has diabetes in case there's ever an emergency.  Of course, she chose a pink one.

As we left they also gave her a special little teddy bear that she named Brown Rose (b/c she is brown, after all.)

Driving home a friend texted and asked how Selah was doing.  I responded that she was doing pretty well, considering.  She seemed to understand the gist of what was going on (for a 6 year old). However, I felt that she appeared to think each finger stick or shot would be the 'last one'... until we told her we had to do it all over.... again.... and again.  Such a heavy feeling to see the fear in her little face.

Then my friend asked how I was doing.  My response?  'Depends on the moment.  Overwhelmed; scared: afraid of messing up; fearful I won't be able to figure out the carb/correction ratios of her insulin;  flabbergasted by how our life is needing too change; flustered by how difficult simply planning and making dinner will now become; afraid of her long term future; knowing much of the stage I set now will impact her health as an adult; thankful for the advances in medicine and the fact we knew the warning signs and caught this early; hating that this is a lifelong journey she has to travel - one I wish I could 'take for her'.  In a nutshell?

I'm.    all.    over.     the.    place!

We grabbed dinner out.  I successfully tested her blood sugar; calculated her correction factor; figured out the carb ratio to determine the amount of insulin to give; and administered her insulin.  All while IN a restaurant.  Selah cried less this time -- which made it a bit easier.

Then we made our way home.

The older kids were up and had lots of questions.  We had to prepare for her evening dose of long lasting insulin so the kids were able to watch and learn.

Techno gave them some basic information about diabetes; about all we'd learned that day for Selah specifically; and I started demonstrating checking her sugar and giving her insulin.  All was going well.... her sugar was quite high so we called the on-call fellow for further instructions. While awaiting her return call, I got set to give her the night time insulin.

In 'teaching' the kids what and how to do this, I prepped her pen then got the injection site ready.  I placed the pen and needle and pushed.  Nothing was happening.  In all the talking and 'demonstrating' I had forgotten to actually fill the pen with her set dose.

She was already crying from the poke.  Yet, I had to stick her again. This time WITH insulin on board.

She cried.  I cried.  Some of my fears realized.  I. had. messed. up!

Techno-Genius reminded me it probably wouldn't be the last time.  We are, after all, human.

This really is a process. There's a lot to learn.  There's a lot to digest.  There's a LONG road ahead.

Tomorrow will be a new day with successes and failures.  With trials and triumphs.  With tears and laughter.

Here's praying for tomorrow.

A Diabetic Journey

What started as a wonderful 'family day' in Fort Collins -- Trinity and Bethany had a sewing clinic; we all went to lunch at HuHot (a favorite for many); some shopping at thrift stores; walking in the beautiful weather; an eye doctor appointment for Doug; a trip to Costco (also a favorite thing); and dinner at the Costco 'food court'. ---

Ended with an unexpected trip to the ER for Selah.

Over the last week and a half to two weeks, we'd noticed that Selah was drinking A LOT and using the restroom way more frequently than usual. Especially for her.

Making the trek from Fort Collins to home, she wasn't able to make the whole drive without an urgent stop to potty.  That was a big 'alarm' in our minds.

Techno-genius decided to check her blood sugar with his blood glucose monitor 'just in case' once we arrived home.  Up till now, we had thought her increased drinking was more from her being sick and having a dry throat from coughing.

Seconds after pricking her finger, the results popped up.  His meter reads up to 600.  It stated her reading was 'too high to register'.

A punch to the gut.  We weren't REALLY expecting that.  Or I guess we were HOPING against that?

We threw a few things into a bag, got her re-dressed (she had already changed into her PJ's for the night), and loaded the three of us into the car.

Thankfully, Jacob was home for spring break and could stay overnight with the kids if we needed to stay at the hospital for any length of time.

30+ minutes later we arrived at the hospital's Emergency Room entrance.

They whisked us right in.  (A perk of living in a small town --  not much competition for the ER.)

After talking with Techno (while I took Selah to the restroom), they immediately started an IV and took blood for tests.  Moments later with the results of her blood sugar around 580, they administered her first round of insulin.

This was real.  Our little girl was just given the diagnosis of early onset Type 1 diabetes.

I had cried off and on the whole drive to the hospital.  We knew there was really only ONE reason for a blood sugar to be THAT high.  We knew in our hearts what we were dealing with.

We didn't want to frighten her, but this knowledge was raw.  It was scary.  It's her new 'altered' life sentence.  It's not going to go away. She won't outgrow it.  She will have to deal with it the rest of her life.  She could have long term complications from it.

Emotions ran - and will continue to run - the gamut.

We feel blessed we were armed with the knowledge of diabetic symptoms to watch for due to Techno being a Type 1 diabetic as well.  That information took us to the ER early in the game BEFORE she got REALLY sick.

That same knowledge that guided us also causes a lot of sadness.  We KNOW what this life entails and it's hard to think of your child having to go through it.

One might think as a WIFE of a diabetic, that this diagnosis would be 'no big deal'. We've got this, right? We know what to do, right?  Yet, being a diabetic wife is WAY different than being a diabetic MOM.  The emotions are so different.  The sadness is deep.

Technology has come so far.  Treatment is SO much better now than 30+ years ago when Techno was diagnosed.  Compared to many other 'diseases' this is sorta 'mild', but it's still HUGE - especially to us as we travel these unchartered waters for Selah.

I'm thankful we have a God who will guide us through this journey.  I'm grateful for a wonderful pediatric endocrinology team to teach us all that we need to know to give her the best care possible.  I'm amazed at the medical advances and technology we have at our finger tips.

This journey is just starting.  I'm just so glad we have hope and a means to keep little Selah as healthy as we possibly can.

Hiatus

It's been a LONG time since I last wrote anything here on the blog.  Almost 6 months.  Geesh, what kind of blogger am I?

Not for lack of things to write about or things happening in our lives... but more a lack of time and motivation to get any of those thoughts and activities out of my brain and into print.

Much has transpired since my last post of dropping our oldest off at college.

He's adapted quite well, by the way.  A few bumps along the road, mostly in the form of a 'not-quite-a-match-made-in-heaven' roommate situation, but otherwise I think he's done swimmingly in his new adventure.  (Mom's not faired too badly either, I might add.)  He finished out his first semester on the President's Honor roll.  Not bad, not bad at all.

Once we got him squared away at the university, it was full force ahead on our homeschooling front.  Choosing to utilize a virtual school for our homeschooling endeavors has had it's pros and cons.  One big con is being tied to someone else's schedule for start and end dates.  Overall, this hasn't been an issue for me, but sometimes, those first several days????  They can be a killer.  Especially when you have 3 in early elementary.  I felt like I was doing calisthenics as I danced between the three girls helping them with all their individual subjects.

I'm so glad we found our groove and I can pretty much sit in one place and just swivel back and forth!  As the second semester started, things got even better.  The girls knew their routine, they have advanced in their studies - especially reading, and all in all -- 'we've got this'!

The other big event since I last posted was the addition of chickens to our little homestead.  Yep, we finally have our backyard chickens.

Eight of them to be exact.

When our close friends moved to Missouri early this past fall, they decided taking chickens across country was a bit daunting and asked us if we'd like their little flock.  Of course, I said yes in an instant.

The chickens tend to be loads of fun.   Except -- maybe -- on those -26 - -43 degree days when the wind is blowing at 40 mph.  LOL!  On those days, I send the kids out to tend to the girls.  Ha.  Not usually, but occasionally. They are a lot younger and they always work together.  Two can work better and faster than one, right?

Today was a 'fun' day with getting the chickens set up for the morning.

The snow had been blown and drifted to form a good 3 ft mound right in front of the. run. door.  Swell.

Plan B.  Put the water and food INSIDE the coop since the hens most likely won't come out much today anyway, given their disdain for snow and wind.

Around I went.

I set the water in, put the food in, set up their scratch block, closed up the coop door, and headed to clean out the nesting boxes.

Wind howling, I tried to situate my bag to dispose of the waste for the compost.  Unfortunately, the wind grabbed it and blew it right into the coop. Sigh.  Fortunately I had extra bags (I've played this game before) and was able to complete my task.

However.... I couldn't leave a plastic bag IN the coop for the girls to get tangled in or try to eat and get choked.

So..... back around I went.  I was set to 'climb in' and retrieve my errant bag.

When I opened the coop door, what did I see?  A small lake where the girls had SOMEHOW dumped most of the 2 gallon water container.  How?  I wasn't sure.  My guess? They stood on the ledge of it and tilted it just enough for the water to simply 'flow freely' onto the coop floor.

ARG!

Back to the house. Waterer in hand.  I filled it back up.

I returned to the blowing wind and snow and prepared to flip the waterer over only to inadvertently  twist the bottom in mid flip - which resulted in another 2 gallons of water flying all over the snow drift in front of me.

Gulp!

You guessed it. Back inside I went for round 3 of project 'water the chickens'.

Water filled back up.  Patience teetered on thin.  I marched back outside.

This time I more carefully flipped the container over, being sure NOT to untwist the bottom.

Back to the coop I trudged.  My rake in one hand - to shovel out the wet sand - and waterer in the other.

By this point I'm DETERMINED to make this my LAST trip outside with the hens this morning.

I balanced the watered on the snow bank.  I opened the door to a flock of chickens awaiting their water.  I raked and scraped and scooped all the wet sand out of the coop and retrieved that silly plastic bag -- thanking it for blowing into the coop so I could find the river flowing inside.

Finally!  A nice level spot to place the water container.  I placed it, gently, into the coop.  Made CERTAIN it wasn't able to be tipped and toppled.

I shut the door and returned to the warmth of our little mountain abode.

I was so happy to have my nice, warm, winter, work gloves and my new Arctic Adventure Muck Boots.  My fingers and toes were toasty despite my morning of mishaps with the henhouse.

It's days like this that Doug questions my desire to have my little mountain menagerie, but.... despite the frustrations; despite the setbacks; despite the cold; despite my own mistakes and mishaps; I find it enjoyable.

Here's to tomorrow going a bit smoother.  ;-)

A New Era of Parenting

This parenting gig is such a roller coaster.

Just when you figure out one stage, a new one is upon you.

We have 6 kids and I can honestly say the baby and toddler phases became 'old hat' for me.

The elementary stage was a bit harder to 'get a handle on' due to all the additional peer and emotional baggage that enters in.  But, given time and practice, we figured out how to navigate through.

The pre-teen years haven't been TOO bad. We've 'been there, done that' three times now.  Fortunately our tweens were pretty pleasant to deal with.

The teen years have also been less traumatic and dramatic than I'd have ever imagined.  Our society depicts teens to be such wretched beings that I often fretted and worried about how we'd survive this tumultuous time with our children.

But, God is good, and our teens have been, well, GREAT!  (So far.)  Not saying they are perfect.  Not saying we haven't had days of 'what were you thinking?'  Not saying we haven't had a little angst here and there.  Yet, by and large, our teens have been respectful, helpful, and quite a joy to parent.

Now, however, I find myself in a NEW ERA. The phase of parenting a college aged individual.  A grown-up, as it were.  A young man living 'on his own', out from under our watchful eyes.  No longer under our roof.

It's difficult.  I can't say it's not.

My heart hurts some days when I think of him NOT being here. Not sleeping in his bed just steps away.  Not sitting at our dinner table each night.  Not taking part in family celebrations as they come along.

It's new.  It's hard.  It's scary.

Yet, it's exciting.  It's joyful.

We're so proud of who our grown son has become.  How loving he is.  How kind he is.  His mind is keen.  His heart is big.  His faith is strong.  We couldn't ask for much more.

I had a rough couple of weeks as we prepared to move him into his college dorm.  I cried as I packed stuff I thought he might need during his time away from home.  I sobbed as I drove to town to purchase  supplies for his dorm room.  I'd mention his name in passing and begin crying all over again.

The funniest part was he's only 30 mintues away.  I'll see him on Sun and Wed weekly.  I chuckled at one point and said to Techno Genius - "Yes, I'm pathetic."

A good friend counseled me and helped me realize it's not about him moving out or being in college.  It's about the unknown. The new.  She alerted me to remember the truth.  To allow myself to mourn this 'new phase' of life, but to also move forward.  To celebrate the changes ahead.  To embrace my  new role as 'mom of a grown-up'.  She admonished me to not allow the 'fear' that was creeping in to cripple me and keep me in my boo hoo fest, but to feel the loss, cry for a time, then pick myself up by the bootstraps and 'get it together.'

She was right.  I do/did have many fears.  Did I do enough?  Did I teach him all he needs to know?  What didn't I do?  Where did I go wrong?  What if I didn't prepare him?  Did I spend enough time with him?  The list could go on and on.

As she reminded me, however, God is not the author of confusion, but of the truth.  And as Ephesians states, we are to put on the full armor of God.  We often view the truth as the most important part -- and it IS pivitol -- God deals in the truth -- but Eph 6:4 says, 'Above all, put on the shield of faith.'  ABOVE ALL!  I need to have faith that whatever I've done is enough.  I did the best I knew to do with what  God had given me at that time in life.  I loved (still do) Jacob as we raised him.  All I did in parenting, I did out of love.  I know that.  I have faith God will do the rest.  He will take the sloppy, less than perfect attempt at parenting that I performed in the years we had Jacob in our home, and he will make it 'good'.

I can't tell you how much this knowledge healed my heart.  How much this allowed me to be joy filled instead of sorrow filled as we moved Jacob into his college dorm room at the end of August.  I became a little misty eyed as we pulled away, but I never cried.  Instead I beamed with pride throughout the day, as I watched my once little boy, now grown-up unpack and organize his new living space.  Owning his new surroundings.

Our job as his parents is not complete.  Not by a long shot.  However, it's taken on a whole new dimension.  He'll be making ALL his own choices.  My prayer is he'll still turn to us for counsel, advice, but... our days of aiming the arrow are mostly past.  We've released the bow.  He's flying now. Flying on his own. We've directed him in the way of the Lord and can now only pray - and ABOVE ALL - have faith that God will keep him on the right path.

Graduation - How Can That Be?

Our oldest son graduated from high school last weekend.  (Insert crying mama!)

How did that happen?

Didn't we just bring him home from the hospital?

Jacob at just a few weeks old.

Didn't we just watch him take his first steps?

Lose his first tooth?

Have an overnight for the first time - away from home and family?

Where did the time go?

There we sat, however,  in a gymnasium.  Folding chairs lined up.  A podium.  Proud parents with cameras.  A group of teens donning red and white caps and gowns. All the things you'd expect for a graduation ceremony.

It was a bit surreal.

We arrived and they handed him his cap and gown.  As he unwrapped it and slipped it on, the tears welled up in my eyes.

Could this really be happening? Could our little boy be getting ready to graduate from high school?

The answer - a resounding yes.

The day was filled with proud moments.

He graduated as Valedictorian.  Gave a well spoken speech about Endings and Beginnings.  Thanking those who have helped all the seniors get where they are and encouraging his fellow classmates to 'keep learning' and in so doing how they could succeed in whatever they set their minds toward.

Following the move of the tassel to the 'graduated side' of the cap.

Tears were shed.

Pride was exuded.

Memories were reminisced.

Did I mention tears were shed?



This marks a new era for us.  This is our FIRST child to graduate and get ready to move on with his own life.

Three days after his graduation, he went to stay with his aunt in town (30 minutes away) so he could be within walking distance of his new internship at the university.  (Insert crying mama - again.)  We'll bring him home on weekends, but still... 4-5 days a week.... he'll. be. GONE!

My head knows this is the 'normal progression' of life.

Kids are born then spend the rest of their days preparing to leave us.  It's how God designed it.

Our task was to get him ready for just such a time as this.  Through God's grace and wisdom, we have gotten him to this point.  He is now ready to begin spreading his own wings and taking flight without our safety net.

My heart, on the other hand, still wants to hold on.  Still wants to keep MY wings under him to lift him up, support him, keep him from falling.

Yet, I realize full well that it's actually GOD'S hands that will lift him up as he ventures out on his own.  Plus I know HE will do a far better job than I ever could.

You know what else I understand?  It's ok to have these mixed emotions.

Each child will be a little different.  This one -- our firstborn -- is ready to spread his wings and start exploring life on his own (to a degree) just 3 short days after graduation.  The next may not be so quick to leave the nest.  The one after that may be even more adventurous.  Who knows?

Proud parents with the graduate!

Only time will tell.

This change is tough.  It hurts to look over and NOT see my precious little boy sitting at his desk; sleeping in his bed; eating at his spot at the table.

But, I have the memories of when he WAS there.  I have the knowledge that we did our best.  I have the assurance he is in the capable hands of God as he moves forward -- on his own -- in this world.

Congratulations, Jacob!  We are so very proud of you.  I know God has big plans for your life.  Stay true to your faith and keep following God's will in your life and you'll be blessed beyond measure.