The Storm is Real

It seems as though this Type 1 Diabetes is kicking. my. tush.

Just this weekend I experienced yet another uber emotional day.

First, at church Trinity experienced 2 lows. One at 61 - which is the lowest she's been since diagnosis. Another just a couple hours later at 70.  Granted, both were easily treated and she was able to 'practice' feeling a low. Still, it's hard to acknowledge that these dips are detrimental to her health.

Then, after lunch we were driving to take the college crew back to their dorms and Selah's CGM alarm went off.  Not even a half hour after lunch and her insulin dose, her blood sugar was soaring high.  Her monitor read 230.  Again, not good for her overall health long term.

Gulp.

I turned to Techno with tears threatening to fall and said, "This diabetes thing is going to give me a stroke."

He chuckled and said, "Maybe it's God's way of helping you learn to 'let go' of things."

To which I retorted, with tears closer to the brink of spilling, "Well, It's. Not. Working!"

With sympathy in his voice, he replied, "Try not to make the lesson harder."

He's right.

I am having trouble 'letting go' in this arena.

My heart aches every time I see a low or high number.

I KNOW intellectually that these ebbs and flows are going to happen. I KNOW they are out of my control.  I KNOW I am not a pancreas nor can I perform as well as the one God originally designed for our girls.

Yet.....

I struggle.

I WANT to do the best I can for our girls.

I KNOW I am trying to do that.

But....

It's hard.

It hurts my heart.

It makes me cry.

Each time I give a shot of insulin and one of the girls grimaces or whimpers.  I want to cry.

Each time their blood sugars soar or plummets.  I want to cry.

Each time I have to prick their finger again -- to determine insulin doses or correction measures.  I want to cry.

Some days, I'm perfectly fine.  I go through all the motions of caring for 2 children with T1D and I 'rock it'.

Then, other days?  Yeah, not so much.

Other days, I feel like I'm in a tailspin.

Flailing out of control.

Spiraling down.

Spinning.

Spilling over with tears and dread.

I pray.  I ask for strength.

I KNOW my strength is not sufficient to carry me through this storm.

This storm.  It's a rough one.

It's a relentless one.

There's no break in the cloud cover.

The storm seems as though it's going to rage on forever.

But...

God is good.

He knows my heart.

He loves my girls even more than I do.

He WILL carry us through.

He WILL calm this storm.

All I have to do is keep my eyes on Jesus.  Just as he called Peter to do as he told him to step out of the boat and into the water.......   during the storm.

It's our time to step out of the boat......

And trust Jesus in this - our storm - a storm of diabetes.