Finding Rest

With so much happening in the last 2 months, my emotions are in complete turmoil.

Heavy.

Sad.

Determined.

In charge.

Defeated.

Responsible.

Scared.

Empowered.

Grief stricken.

Numb.

How can all these thoughts and emotions co-habitate my brain at the same time?

We started with the diagnosis of our youngest daughter with type 1 diabetes.  Just a mere 3 weeks later we received the same diagnosis for our 9 yo daughter.  The same day we also learned my mom was re-admitted to the hospital with recurrent pneumonia. The second hospitalization in 2.5 weeks.

Upon flying to Ohio to see her on her request, we learned  that she was in the end stages of COPD and hospice needs to be called in.

Not. Exactly. What. I. Expected. To. Hear.

Then, at our youngest's follow-up endocrinology appt we found out she tested positive for possible hypothyroidism and Celiac Disease.

What?

She's SIX.

How can all this be happening in such a tiny, young body?

My mind reels.

My heart aches.

My eyes cry.

My body wants to recoil and sleep.

Today, anxiousness seems to be the prevailing feeling that is surfacing.

Not sure if it's just the culmination of all that's transpired over the last couple months or if it's the stress of all that's approaching in the coming weeks as we travel to Ohio.

Most likely it's a combination of these things.

I struggle to find the words and thoughts to explain my feelings.

To tell others where I am emotionally.

I cry out to God daily.

Not asking why; but begging for his strength because mine is waning, faltering, dissipating.

I've cried over Scripture that urges me to 'let go' of all this and put it at his feet.  I KNOW that's what I need to do.  I KNOW he can carry this burden.

Yet, I'm clinging to this fear; these worries; this grief.

I continue to hold fast to his promise to carry me through.  To bring good of all that is happening.  To help me be a light and strength for those around me.

Even during this dark time; this grief laden time; this time of feeling anxious and depressed; scared and tired; I know God is with me.  I know he hears my prayers.  I know he cares for me; our girls; my mom.

I know.

In that I'm trying to rest.