Heavy

Just as I start to feel a little lighter, something swoops along and drags my heart back down.

Nothing specific most of the time.  It just hits.

Heavy.

Lead filled.

Buried.

That's how I've felt the last couple of days - again.

I had felt I was coming out of the 'fog of grief'.

But more changes have brought it all back to the surface.

I know it's for a time.

I know it gets easier each day.

But, today?

Today I hurt.

Today I'm fighting tears at every turn.

Today I want to hide; to crawl into a cave and pretend our lives aren't ours.

Today I want my mom back.  To be able to call her, hug her, see her face again - here on earth.

Today I want my girls to NOT need injections of insulin with each meal they eat.  Just. to. survive.

Today I don't want to learn all new gluten free meals to replace Selah's favorites.  To diligently avoid cross contamination w/each meal I prepare.

Today I don't want to consider the auto immune complications that 'could be' in our girls' futures.  All our children's futures.

Today I don't want my oldest son to be a college sophomore - out on his own.

Today I want life back to the way it was.  Before all the changes; before all the heartache; before all the fear.

God, I NEED your strength.  I need your peace.  I want to feel joy.  I want to CHOOSE joy.  Help me do that.  Help me overcome the dread, the heaviness of all that's transpired over the last several months.  Help relieve my fears.  I KNOW things could be worse, but when it's all sitting there, heavy on my chest, it's hard to see HOW.  Be my feet, Lord.  Lift me up and keep me going.  Be my strength.  Get me through this day. This hour. This moment.

In Jesus name,
Amen