Remembering

As Mother's Day approaches, I couldn't help but think of my mom.

At the store last week, I noticed all the mother's day 'stuff'. Cards, balloons, flowers -- all with the sentiment -- 'Don't forget mom this year'.

I immediately started to think of what to send my mom.

Then I remembered.

She's no longer here.  I won't be sending anything.

It made me sad.  Made me miss her.  Especially as May 16 - not quite a week AFTER Mother's Day - will mark a year since her passing.

I don't think I realized just how close the two events were.  Mother's Day and my mom's passing.  Just a week.

I remember flying to Ohio just a year ago when she was hospitalized. When she herself proclaimed 'I'm not gonna make it out of this one."  When she told everyone she wanted me to come.  When I was so distraught with our own life changes with the girls' diagnoses that I almost didn't go.  The hospital staff had said she wasn't 'critical' - she'd probably be released the next week.

Yet, she persisted. She wanted me there.  I prayed.  I felt I should go.

I went.

Arriving at the hospital, she appeared to be on the mend.  Her voice was gone, but otherwise all was looking good.  The pneumonia was back, but being treated.

Then, it all turned around so quickly.  So unexpectedly.

I have so many regrets.  So many 'I should haves'.

I know, mentally, that I can't go there. I can't live with could've, should've..... but.... it's hard not to.

I could have stayed with her that first Saturday I arrived.  I should have sat and talked with her all night long.  Little did I know it was really my last chance.  But, she seemed to be doing so well.  Things were going to be ok.

Little did I know.

It was hard watching her deteriorate those next few days.

It was even harder leaving to come back to Wyoming to get my family.

Hardest to get back to Ohio only to say goodbye one last time.

I struggle with wondering why mom gave up.  Why she wanted to leave us.

In reality, in my heart I know.  She was ready. God was calling her home.

She was tired.

In pain.

Breathless.

When I think of the peace she had those last days - the day I left to come back home she was so lucid. So aware.  She was waiting.  When we returned, she woke up.  Lucid.   Aware.   Ready.

She had waited for us all to be there.  To say goodbye.  It was one of the hardest things EVER, but also the most beautiful.

I know she's at peace now.  No agony.  No breathlessness.  No fear.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for wanting her here. Wishing she had never died.  She had so much discomfort here.  So much panic when her breath was hard to find. So weak.

NOW?  Now she's whole!  She's free!

No AGONY!

No ALARM!

Full of BREATH!

Full of LIFE.

That's what I'm choosing to remember as Mother's Day comes and goes.  As the anniversary of her death approaches and passes.

She's WHOLE!

I miss her dearly, but she is so much better off now then when she was on this earth.  Her body was waning before our very eyes.  Her days were filled with torment and distress.

No more.

Now she's loosed from all of that.

And I know we'll meet again - one day.  I'm blessed to have such hope.  Such reassurance.  Such promise.

Until then, Mom, I love you!  I miss you.