Getting up in the middle of the night to check blood sugars (then having another kiddo get sick resulting in ANOTHER middle of the night awakening one night) has made for an exhausted mama.
Last night I was actually an hour and a half late checking her sugar b/c I fell back to sleep after the alarm went off. I bumped into the table as I tried to stumble out of the room. Techno asked if I was ok and I snapped a short retort back at him. As if it's HIS fault I'm groggy and faltering around. (It's not, he's just an easy target right now for my volatile emotions.)
Fortunately, her blood glucose levels were a bit better than some other nights - 286 or so. Still high, but WAY better than the high 400's which is where it's been many nights so far.
I tucked her back in bed and made my way back to our room.
Crawling under the covers, I just felt spent.
I tossed and turned a bit before falling back into my state of slumber.
Techno's alarm went off and I barely moved. Several minutes later, it went off again.
Awake, I asked if everything was ok as he began to get out of bed and get ready for work.
I didn't want to get up.
I was tired.
My neck was stiff.
My body felt like it had been hit by a Mack truck.
My brain was groggy.
My emotions were raw.
I did, however, get up. Making my way to the kitchen I started a pot of coffee.
Much to my surprise, I also started crying.
No apparent reason.
Tears. just. started. to. fall.
Moments later Charity and Selah emerged. I almost ran poor Selah over as I didn't see or hear her walk up beside me in the kitchen. I simply assumed she was sitting with Charity by the furnace -- their traditional morning resting place when they first wake up.
Since she was up and I just needed to wait for the coffee, we went ahead and checked her blood sugar.
Then, we had to decide on WHAT she was going to eat for breakfast.
Trinity and Bethany had made cakes for cake decorating class and had asked if everyone could have a piece for breakfast.
Of course that meant Selah would want a piece.
The calculating and checking began.
A piece of cake with buttercream frosting has A LOT of carbs in it.
We figured out what a smallish piece would have and Techno and I decided a 'middle' piece with less frosting would be best.
Of course, Selah WANTED an end piece with all the fancy piping on it and I had to tell her no.
She cried.
I cried.
Emotional pitfall for both of us. All over a piece of cake.
This IS our new life. Decisions had to be made that are in her best interest. It was still hard.
My morning continued like this.
Crying -- A LOT and OFTEN -- for no apparent reason other than the emotional pitfall I seem to be enveloped in right now.
Getting back to our lessons and school work helped a lot. Kept our minds focused on something OTHER than diabetes.
Then lunch.
WOA!
It was a simple enough meal.
Tuna salad; crackers; mango; and cucumber slices with a cream cheese filling piped on top.
Then. It. Hit. Me!!!
I have to figure out all the carbs for this meal. Humph.
The pickle relish in the tuna salad along with the little bit of carbs from the cheese. The cream cheese filling for the cucumbers. The mango. The crackers. Then figure out how many carbs PER SERVING for the tuna and the cucumber filling.
My sink was overflowing with dishes b/c I had to weigh the total amount, then figure out how many carbs in the whole thing, then divide out how much Selah would eat and how many carbs were in 'her portion'.
Phew! My. Brain. Hurt!
Not to mention, what would normally take 15 minutes to prepare, now took closer to 45. Sigh.
Of course, once THAT was done, it was time to check her blood sugar and determine her insulin dose.
THEN --- lunchtime. She ate. She didn't like the cucumbers so there's 1 carb not ingested. She didn't eat all the tuna salad -- there's a portion of another carb not ingested. THEN -- she wanted MORE crackers. That's too many carbs not dosed for.
When I told her no to more crackers....... she cried. Again.
I cried. Again.
This was all before 1PM in the afternoon and I. felt. wiped. Was it bedtime yet? Could I just hibernate in my bed, under the covers for a few days? Could I hide? Disappear? Pretend this wasn't real?
No.
It is real.
It is our life.
It is hard.
I continued to cry. Most of the day.
I did hide in my room and take a nap.
Hoping the sleep would help my perspective.
I did continue to do what needed to be done.
Checking sugars. Counting carbs. Administering insulin.
Even if sometimes it was through tears.
Dear Liz - I want to encourage you to realize that your emotions are normal in this situation and you are not crazy or losing it because you are feeling this way. The uncontrolled crying is just because you feel so sad for your daughter, for yourself and the whole family that this change has come. And you are exhausted! Do not blame yourself for this; there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Think of all the amazing adaptations you have already made, with each move, with each new child. This first year will be a growing year, as you all come up to each new challenge and handle it together. It is like the first year of teaching, you are running fast to keep up with your students and stay one day or sometimes one hour ahead of the curriculum. You are blessed with a supportive husband and wonderful kids who work together and love each other. Feel free to delegate to the older kids whatever tasks they are capable of managing and assisting with; maybe some of the research, the meal planning, etc. Look for whatever online support you can find. There are carb conversion charts out there to help you, so you don't have to weigh and measure everything yourself. Realize that carbs are carbs, and sweets can sometimes be allowed - they count the same way as bread or fruit. You can do this, and the angels are on your side. Hugs, Chris
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chris. I know it's not my fault and nothing I have done or didn't do would change where we are now. I'm surprised it's been so emotionally tumultuous for me. I usually am pretty good at 'pulling it together', but I am not doing that so well with this. We're functioning fine - learning and growing in what we need to do, but the crying out of no where usually doesn't stick around this long for me. I do acknowledge it will be a process. I thank you for confirming my emotions are ok. I do know she can have the sugar etc (in moderation). it's more the whole figuring it all out ahead of time as they want us to give her insulin PRIOR to meals. I know we CAN give her extra insulin if need be, but trying to find that balance and such is just challenging. The older kids have been great. They will be learning how to help with her care more and more as we move forward. They are very responsible and helpful kiddos so it's nice having them to help. Thank you again. It'll get better in time.
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