Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Bad Mommy Award Goes To.........?

When you receive news like we have in the last month, it's easy to start doubting your skills as a competent mama.

Not in terms of the day to day caring of our children.  I'm quite adept at making their meals, keeping them clothed, providing a safe home for them to live, tending to their scraped knees.

Yet, with the onset of diabetes, it's been easy to kick myself and say, "Why didn't I realize JUST how thin she had become?"  "Why didn't I pay attention to how pale her skin looked?"  "Why didn't I take her to the doctor when she didn't kick the '24 hour flu' in 24 hours like the rest of the crew?  I allowed hers to go on for 48 hour. What was I thinking?"  "Surely I'm the top candidate for the Worst Mom of the Year award."

These thoughts coursed through my mind as we drove to the hospital on Saturday to get Trinity's blood work done to confirm the diabetes diagnosis.

As we drove I texted friends and family asking for prayers.  I'm fully aware of how healing and uplifting prayer can be.  I wasn't going to miss an ounce of that power.

One friend was so encouraging and supportive.  I'd have to say she's one of the most encouraging individuals I know.

She offered her prayers and condolences for the situation in which we find ourselves, but beyond that she helped to highlight the positives in our quick action in getting diagnoses for both our girls.

As I sat abusing myself mentally for 'not acting sooner' when I noticed how thin Trinity was becoming, she reminded me that we DID in fact catch this early. Neither of the girls needed to be hospitalized.  Neither of the girls were in diabetic ketoacidosis.  Both girls were able to flush ketones from their system within a day of diagnosis.  Both girls felt physically better after just 1 insulin shot.

In fact, she reminded me to 'break out that mama bear' and get angry at this disease.

To FIGHT this beast.

It was ironic, since Selah's diagnosis, I've been so sad that I've not really gotten mad.  My anger at this horrible disease has not flared.

Her words woke up that part of my mommy's heart that fiercely wants to protect my little babies.  Not that I haven't been - I have.  As soon as we learned of the girls' conditions, I've been able to switch right into 'care mode' and do all that needs to be done to manage their new needs in addition to those they've always had as children.

But, the grief, the sadness was and is deep.  Due to that, I hadn't yet gotten really....  MAD!!

Upset?  Yes.

Scared?  Yes.

Mad?  At this disease that has stolen so much from our little girls?  Not so much.

I think I was simply in survival mode.  Barely getting by emotionally with all this new and overwhelming information that had been thrust upon us.  I was letting the disease win in a way.  At least from an emotional standpoint.

Now?  With a second diagnosis not even a month later?

I.       Was.       Numb!

This friend tried to shake me up and get me fighting.  I'm so appreciative of that fact.

We DID get them diagnosed early.

We THWARTED this disease that was eating away at our precious angels; that was literally sucking the life out of them; that was making them sick and pale.

We could now give them life saving insulin.  We could help their bodies use the fuel that is so easily present in their bloodstream but that was inaccessible without that key -- insulin -- to open the doors.

So, I don't get that 'Bad Mommy Award' after all!

Not for this.

We.  Did.  Good!

We caught this beast and now...... we WILL fight!

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